14 Fictional Characters Who Are Canonically Dragging Massive Hogs
If you find yourself at a urinal between Hagrid and Hodor, do yourself a favor and keep your eyes on the road.
Finch: ‘Just Shoot Me!’
David Spade’s character had always thought he was averagely endowed, because he’d always avoided public nudity and only had porn actors to compare himself to. Late in the series, he has the revelation that he’s been absolutely packing slacks his whole life and never knew it.
Rayman: ‘Rayman’ Series
An ad for 2003’s Rayman 3: Hoodlum Havoc shows the man himself standing at a urinal, his legless torso markedly lower than the toilet itself, yet evidently successfully pissing. The men around him are staring in shock, and the copy reads, “No arms. No legs. Huge features.”
Forrest Gump: ‘Forrest Gump’
The book that the film is based on gives us a Jenny’s-eye-view of Forrest’s hog: “Jenny pulled down my undershorts an her eyes get big an she say, ‘Whooo — lookit what you got there!’ an she grapped me…” The author then goes full Fifty Shades of Gump: “Jenny shown me shit I never could of figgered out on my own … sideways, crosswise, upside down, bottomwise, lengthwise, dogwise, standin up, setting down, bending over, leanin back, inside-out and outside-in.”
Hagrid’s Dad: ‘Harry Potter’
Hagrid is a half-giant wizard, meaning his wizard father, who was already shorter than the average wizard, had to impregnate a giantess. Big dawg’s gotta be packin’.
Hodor: ‘A Song of Ice and Fire’
In the books, George R.R. Martin describes Hodor’s hangdown thusly: “Between his legs, his manhood swung long and heavy.” Actor Kristian Nairn had to wear a 16-inch prosthetic for a scene in Game of Thrones, which he described as “very realistic-feeling.”
Captain Waldowski: ‘M*A*S*H’
John Schuck’s dentist character is bestowed with the nickname “Jawbreaker,” which we learn is a double entendre when another character spies on him in the shower and remarks: “I’d hate to see that thing angry.”
Chandler Bing: ‘Friends’
It had long been implied that Chandler was about average, but after he finally hooks up with Monica, she pointedly, blissfully recounts bringing a tape measure into his bedroom.
Chris Kenner: ‘Showdown in Little Tokyo’
Brandon Lee’s character remarks to Dolph Lundgren’s, “Just in case we get killed, I wanted to tell you: You have the biggest dick I’ve ever seen on a man.”
Frankenstein’s Monster: ‘Young Frankenstein’
Someone crunches the numbers on the size of the creature wreaking havoc, and concludes that “he would have an enormous schwanzstucker.” Another character confirms with a “Woof!” when she sees it naked.
Barnacle Boy: ‘SpongeBob SquarePants’
Series creator Stephen Hillenburg was a marine biologist, so it’s safe to assume he knew that barnacles have the largest relative penis size of any animal on the planet, able to grow to eight times its body length.
John Dillermand
This Dutch children’s character has a prehensile penis that, like the mighty barnacle, can grow to several times the length of his own body. He uses it to do kids’ show stuff, like tame lions or fly a helicopter, but it also has the power to act independently of its host body.
Jerry Gergich: ‘Parks and Recreation’
His own doctor confirmed it: “That man has the largest penis I’ve ever seen. I actually don’t even know if he has mumps. I forgot to look. I was distracted by the largest penis I’ve ever seen.”
Ned Flanders: ‘The Simpsons’
We briefly see Flanders in the shower in Season 11, Episode 14, and while his pubic region is obviously pixelated, it often requires a double-take to realize there’s an entire pixelated tro snake hanging down past his knees.
Hulk Hogan
While being questioned under oath about the time he bragged about having a 10-inch dong on a radio station, national embarrassment Terry Bollea testified that he has a teenier neener than his fictional alter ego: “It’s not mine, because mine isn’t that size, but we were discussing the length of Hulk Hogan’s.”
