32 All-Beef Facts About Fast Food That Some Special Sauce Should Help Slide Down Your Gullet

Down the hatch!
32 All-Beef Facts About Fast Food That Some Special Sauce Should Help Slide Down Your Gullet

Is it too much to call sauce “food lube”? If it is, our editors will have probably deleted that. If they did, then that line about our editors deleting it probably won’t make much sense as the first line of a blurb. 

Anywho, whether you got to read that first line or not, we just wanted to paint a picture of condiments and special sauces helping what would otherwise be dry food get down your throat a little easier. Then we wanted to compare that picture to a picture of these once-dry fast-food facts sliding nicely into your brain. 

We sauced ‘em up so good that your brain is gonna need a fat mitt of napkins!

The McJordan

The McJordan was a bacon cheeseburger. That's it. CRACKED.COM The quickest way into every American's heart (and gut) in the early 90's was Michael Jordan. And, apparently, the blues. The commercial made Jordan croon a bluesy tune with a mouthful of bacon chee.

Arby’s

ARBYS Arby's ROAST BEEF Sandwich IS DELICIOUS Arby's 1964 GRAGKED.COM EMARRY Without the contemporary logo's use of the restaurant name to break up the shape, the original signage for Arby's really emphasizes the oversized cowboy hat; the Vegas-style neon sign makes me think less of sandwiches and more of a barnyard show where cowgirls squirt milk at each other. If you have to tell me it's delicious, it probably ain't.

Burger King’s Halloween Burger

Burger King's Halloween Burger While it (subjectively) looked cool 'n spooky, there's an equation the fast food industry simply must learn: Black food dye = Green poop + the public will not let you live it down CRACKED.COM

Buffalo Wild Wings

BUFFALO WILD WINGS Buffalo Wild Wings and Weck bw-3 The Real Wing 1982 GRACKED.COM Buffalo Wild Wings and Weck, as it was originally called, had a lumpy buffalo on their logo that looked like it suffered from a terrible skin disease and was halfway into being processed for its meat. They appeared to have the motto The Real Wing, which is both grammatically and logically confusing.

Jack in the Box

JACK IN THE BOX Jack in the box 1968 GRAGKED.COM When you commit to the theme of a mystery box in which the BEST case scenario is one where you are scared by a clown on a spring, your options are limited. Still, this cracked-out snowman jester was a bad call, and thankfully one they distanced themselves from.

McDonald’s Next

In Hong Kong, McDonald's has an upscale restaurant called McDonald's Next. The color scheme is black and white, the decor is glass and metal, and there's even table service in the evening. But they offer all the usual menu items. NOW YOU KNOW CRACKED.COM

McLobster

The McLobster was a lobster meat hot dog. CRACKED.COM This abomination (which should have been called a Slobster Joe, first of all) had trouble gaining traction between the coasts because it's hard to ship lobster inland before it spoils.

Hardee’s

HARDEE'S SHAKES FRENCH FRIES Hardee's® SOFT 1962 DRINKS GRAGKED.COM Shakes, french fries, soft drinks? Не just wants to grill for god's sake! The original design looks like it was made by the one person in the office that knows about clipart. Also, what logo has a man at a grill and puts soft drinks in one of the stars and not hamburgers?

McDonaldland Characters

The McDonaldland characters aren't original -- they're just ripoffs. C McDonald's lifted everything from H.R. Pufnstuf, one of the most popular kids' TV programs in the '70s. It was so brazen, McDonald's got sued. NOW YOU KNOW CRACKED.COM

Bigfoot Pizza

Bigfoot Pizza was just too-big pizza. CRACKED.COM Its whole... thing was that it was too big: too big for minimum wage-earning delivery guys to comfortably hold it, and too big for your ravenous family to snarf it down in one sitting.

Dunkin’ Donuts

DUNKIN' DONUTS Dimbit DUNKIN' Dunkin' Donuts 1954 GRACKED.COM Before a hairy, geriatric store owner enthusiastically announced that it was time to make the donuts, Dunkin' had a mascot called Dunkie. This horrific carbohydrate-gollum, wearing coffee cup pants and a paper hat, proudly served up his confectionary brethren with a wink and a smile.

Ronald McDonald

If you ask Ronald McDonald where burgers come from, he says they're grown. According to a former Ronald McDonald, the story for kids was that hamburgers grow in a patch and then they just get plucked. NOW YOU KNOW CRACKED.COM

Burger King’s Tiny Burgers

Bundles were just sliders. CRACKED.COM Burger King's laughably small burgers were fun for the whole family: not quite enough to satiate a child, and a choking hazard for adults!

Jack in the Box Frings

Fries + onion rings = Frings. CRACKED.COM You know that unique exhiliration of finding an onion ring in your french fries? Jack in the Box attempted to replicate that, but achieved the opposite: the devastating betrayal of being denied sufficient onion rings.

I’m Lovin’ It Jingle

Justin Timberlake was paid $6 million to sing the I'm Lovin' It jingle M i'm lovin' it™ Timberlake recorded the McDonald's jingle expanded into a full song, written by Pharrell Williams. NOW YOU KNOW CRACKED.COM

Colonel Sanders

Colonel Sanders wore only white suits for the last 20 years of his life. The KFC spokesperson's trademark white suit sold for $21,510 at an auction in 2013. NOW YOU KNOW CRACKED.COM

Dave Thomas (Yes, Him Again)

Dave Thomas received his high school diploma when he was 60 years old The very successful Wendy's founder returned to school after dropping out 45 years prior and was voted Most Likely to Succeed in his 1993 graduating class. NOW YOU KNOW CRACKED.COM

Dave Thomas

Dave Thomas appeared in more than 800 commercials Wendy's founder became a household name through the longest-running campaign. NOW YOU KNOW CRACKED.COM

In-N-Out Salaries

In-N-Out managers make $160,000 per year IN-N-OUT BURGER Of all large fast food chains, In-N-Out is believed to have the best wages and benefits. NOW YOU KNOW CRACKED.COM

The Woman Who Claimed to Find a Finger in Her Wendy’s Chili

The lady who claimed to find a finger in her Wendy's chili was sentenced to 9 years in prison Anna Aayala was released after four years on good behavior. She apologized to the food chain for the attempted scam. NOW YOU KNOW CRACKED.COM

In-N-Out

Lynsi Snyder became the sole owner/heiress of In-N-Out on her 35th birthday. IN-N-OUT BURGER She has been the target of at least two attempted kidnappings so she tries to stay out of public eye for her family's safety. NOW YOU KNOW CRACKED.COM

Dairy Queen

Dairy Queen can't legally call its product ice cream because it's only 5% buttercream. DAIRY QUEEN To be categorized as ice cream, it must have 10% butterfat, so they refer to it as soft serve instead. NOW YOU KNOW CRACKED.COM

The Number of Starbucks and McDonald’s Combined

There are more U.S. museums than there are Starbucks and McDonalds - combined LOCANSES McDonald's SPEEDER SERVICE SYSTEM HAMBURGERS We have Sold OVER 1 MILLION McDonald's There are around 11,000 Starbucks and 14,000 McDonald's locations in the U.S., compared to 35,000 museums. NOW YOU KNOW CRACKED.COM

Free Tacos for the Entire Planet!

A gigantic dartboard for space debris Free TACO Here! CRACKED.COM When a Russian space station was set to crash back to Earth in 2001, KFC went and made a gigantic target in the Pacific Ocean, and promised free tacos for the entire planet if any of the debris fell onto it. (None did).

TGI Friday’s Mistletoe Drone

TGI Friday's mistletoe drone IN HERE, CRACKED.COM A demonstration of their mobile mistletoe drone went about as poorly as you'd expect. Were you expecting that it chipped off the tip of a photographer's nose? Great, then we're on the same page.

Burger King’s Clown Fixation

Burger King's bizarre clown fixation CRACKED.COM On Halloween 2017, ВК promised a free Whopper to anyone who showed up to a US store dressed as a creepy clown. Then in 2020, several Scandinavian locations installed custom bathroom mirrors that would summon a spooky clown if you turned off the lights and said CANCELLED CLOWN three times.

Happy Meal Toothpaste

McDonald's keeps giving out oral hygiene products MAXIMUM FLUORIDE PROTECTION BY A TOOTHPASTE NEW Colgate Winter- fresh NET WT. 1.4 OZ. MFP FL UORIDE GEL Gel HTR AVGDO. 15 SAVE 15° house REACH YOUTH 24 S IL TOOTHBRUSH In CRACKED.COM They gave out toothpaste and toothbrushes in Happy Meals across the US in 1982. A decade later, they brought the despicable practice to Australia. In 2014, kids got free tooth swag just for showing up to any Wisconsin location.

Waffle House

Celebrate Valentine's Day at a Waffle House love CRACKED.COM What better way to rekindle romance than with white table cloth service by candlelight surrounded by strung out truckers and drunks of all vocations?

The Moldy Whopper

The moldy Whopper CRACKED.COM Burger King wanted to prove they were serious about removing artificial preservatives from their beef, so they publicized a neat timelapse of a putrid, rotting Whopper.

The Left-Handed Whopper

In 1998 for April Fools', Burger King took out a -page ad announcing a Left-Handed Whopper. Burger King introduces the left-handed Whopper. Fat: E a B

Source: TIME

The Colors Red and Yellow

GRIOY The combination of red and yellow stimulates hunger. Pa BURGER Hut KING McDonald's Hardee's CHARBROILY Johnny WenDy's Rocketo TACO OLD FASHIONED

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